Stream of Consciousness

More Jersey Shore Than My Blog Needs

The best catchphrases from this season’s Jersey Shore:

Mike “the Situation”
• “I love the Situation.”
• “Angelina was like a half-ass firecracker. It just fizzled out real quick and made a loud noise.”
• “Anybody know how to peel garlic?”
• “Chill out, Freckles McGee.”
• “I’m hookin’ up with my girl, Pauly’s hookin’ up with his girl, and, uh, we’re gonna have sex. So, you know, that’s the Situation.”
• “You know what? You’re excluded from dinner, then. You’re excluded from Surf-and-Turf Night. You’re excluded from Ravioli Night. You’re excluded from Chicken-Cutlet Night.”
• “I necessarily didn’t want to bring back any zoo creatures whatsoever. These broads probably smelled the food at the house.”
• “Listen, let’s go back to the house and get some pizza.”
• “When we’re out on the battlefield, I’m like the first strike.”
• “Vinny knows that I’m pretty much the man of the house and not to push it too far or I’m gonna, you know, throw him in the trunk.”
• “I committed the robbery.”
• “If you’re gonna watch me the whole time while I’m in a jacuzzi with a girl. Did you go in the shower afterwards and play with yourself?”
• “The only thing we care about is gettin’ girls. Gettin’ girls and goin’ to the gym.”
• “I will toss her out like the trash, real quick.”
• “I figured she’d love the nice aroma of sliced, uh, dirty pickles.”
• “What did the five fingers say to the face? [Smack]”
• “That hater juice is best served cold.”
• “Have I got girls every day? Have they not been pretty? Some days no, some days yes.”
• “The dude was face down, though. I’m sure you had a better sleep than he did.”
• “No, she was 18. That ass did not look 12.”
• “Big is out and lean is in.”
• “Down here at the Shore, one minute you got three girls in the jacuzzi. Next minute, somebody’s in jail and you have to bail them out.”
• “If you’re hungry, try a Snickers.”

Ronnie
• “Time to get some Ron Ron Juice in my system.”
• “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.”
• “Shnickers is, like, crying because she got punched in the face and the Situation is creepin’.”
• “I would give her dick and bubble gum. I would send her a picture of my dick and a pack of bubble gum and say, ‘Chew on this!’”
• “Yeah, we smushed.”
• “I closed that deal a long time ago, bro. I already got the title for that closing. You know what I mean? C’mon, bro.”
• “To us, past the Jersey Shore.”
• “That’s one shot. That’s one shot, kid. That’s one shot!”

Nicole “Snooki”
• “I had a feeling where I wanted to make out with somebody, so, um, I just made out with Ryder, because all the guys like that.”
• “That’s what I like. A good guy and a jerk-off. All in the same.”
• “When I say I’m ready to go wild, I’m gonna go wild.”
• “I’m a vet tech. I save animals, I don’t kill them.”
• “That’s why I don’t eat frickin’ lobster or anything like that. Because they’re alive when you kill it.”
• “I’m about to eat a sausage right now. Italian sausage. Fuck you all!”
• “I understand where she’s coming from ‘cause I just got hit in the face by a guy.”
• “If you look at me, you think I’m, like, a stuck-up bitch. But yet, like, veterinarian. Like, that’s my zone. I save animals. That’s what I do.”
• “If you leave, I’m going to stuff your fucking nose with tampons.”
• “I told him to put me down because I’m not trashy. Unless I drink too much.”
• “It’s A.C., bitch. What happens in the A.C., stays in the A.C.”
• “No, that’s not cool, that’s not cool, that’s not cool! Oh fuck, that’s not cool, that’s not cool, that’s not cool! Last person I want to see is my fucking ex. That’s not cool.”

Pauly D
• “It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose.”
• “She just doesn’t want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue.”
• “You gotta stay ‘fresh to death,’ I call it. Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan. Just stay fresh.”
• “I’m not trying to fall in love on the Jersey Shore. I’m just trying to hook up.”
• “I couldn’t have sex with my girl, she had her period. I go to take her pants off, she wouldn’t let me. No big deal.”
• “My hair’s windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, motorcycle proof. I’m not sure if my hair’s bulletproof, I’m not willing to try that.”
• “I think it will take a couple of times seeing them to hook up. They’re not like whores.”
• “Unbelievable, huh, Snooks? It’s so hard to find a good man these days. That’s why I date women.”
• “She’s Mike without a six-pack.”
• “I don’t understand that religion, what it is. I just wanna get to the business.”
• “She’s mad weird, that chick.”

Jenni “J-WOWW”
• “I feel like eating ham and drinking water. Ham. [*raspberry noise*]”
• “Tits are coming out tonight.”
• “You have your penis pierced. I love it.”
• “Yo, seriously, she’s like on a whole ‘nother level on pickles.”
• “I coulda been like, you know, ‘Peace, fuck you,’ I’m gonna go do me and have like this wonderful summer and not think twice about you.”
• “Just because you see our faces close doesn’t mean I’m fucking him.”
• “I see a bunch of gorilla juiceheads. Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like multiple growth hormones. That’s, like, the type that I’m attracted to.”
• “Oh my God, the gorillas are comin’ out. It’s juicehead central right now. I’m in heaven.”

Vinny
• “Holy shit, I think I’ve got pinkeye.”
• “I dance because it’s something inside of me. I feel the beat, right? It might just so happen that my fist might pump in the air.”
• “Saturday night, I’m going to Headliners, I’m looking to have more of a classy night tonight.”
• “That kid is never going to be able to fuckin’ walk this earth again ‘cuz he’s known as punching a girl in the face, okay?”
• “Gym, tanning, laundry. You know, that’s how they, like, make the guidos.”
• “Fake boobs, nice butt, said she was a model.”
• “Nah, Israelis would’ve been like [insert machine gun noise here].”

Sammi “Sweetheart”
• “When I left Karma, I don’t even know what was going on in my head. I’m gonna fuckin’ knock a bitch UP.”
• “Next thing you know, the grill is legit burnt. Smoke. Like flames.”
• “Yes, I had sex. Like, hello? You’re gonna have sex if you’re into somebody. It’s natural.”
• “He fuckin’ said your feet’s like fuckin’ Fred Flintstone. Fuck you, you fuckin’ bastard.”
• “Is that fake Louis Vuitton? What is that, a sundress? ‘Cause I never seen [bleep]. I think my grandma wears that.”

Angelina “Jolie”
• “I will cut your hair while you’re sleeping.”
• “I feel like this is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do great things.”

Daniella
• “You should come see the Holy Land. It’s beautiful. It’s Jerusalem, dude!”

Keith
• “I don’t personally have my own farm. I work on a farm.”

Tanya
• “I gotta stop watching because it’s turning me on.”

Twenty-five Signs You Have Grown Up

itsemilywoolf:

#11. yep.

justbesplendid:

m-altruism:

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “breakup.”

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog “Science Diet” instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at three in the morning would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A four dollar bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. Ninety percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit what the hell happened?”

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